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Once again, i was sitting in my room, thinking about the future; what might happen and what might now. I was so caught up on thinking about my future that i forgot to live in the presence. It was as if i was waiting for something to happen to me, something big, but it seemed like forever away. Since the day i visited that spiritual woman, who told me small details about whats going to happen in the future, i haven’t been able to think about anything besides. She told me i was going to get married. Every time i start thinking about the future, it always starts with marriage. Who am i going to marry, do i chose him or did he chose me, how are going to meet? I can’t get my mind of anything else. However, she did tell me about other things too. for example that many doors will open for me. I have no idea what she’s talking about; rather its career wise, romantically, travel, money?! Its like a card with no clues. I found the card, now where is the information. I felt miss leaded. Confused. When i think back, i keep thinking ”what now?”. Where the hell do i go from here?. Im getting a lot of headaches because of big amount of thinking i do. It isn’t healthy at all for me. Besides, it won’t get me anywhere either. However, i can’t stop thinking that life isn’t a movie nor fairytale, with an happy ending. I have seen too many examples of life being unfair and a bitch, so believe in that stuff. Who says if i find a good guy, that i won’t end up divorcing him? Or the moment when you doubt yourself and think nobody is ever going to love you, but that one friend courage you and tells you someday you’re going to find an amazing guy. How the hell do they know?. I mean unless you can right now assure me that i will, don’t tell me some bullshit you just made up. Its not a fact that some guy will one day love me, no, you just came up with that sentence to make me happy, also you probably got it from some stupid, unrealistic, sad romantic, happy ending, fucking movie. Im tired of that bullshit. Im tired of keep looking at life as if everything will eventually be okay. What if it doesn’t! I don’t want to convince myself that one day i will find happiness, if its completely bullshit. I once had a bunch of plans that i was so sure i would accomplish and that they would remain my plans for the rest of my life. I thought by the time i was 18 (I’m 18 in 2 months) i would have my life all figured out. I would be happy and i would have a wonderful life and everything would be in its place.. bull fucking shit.. Unless i can get my thought and heart together within 2 months I’m doing alright.. or else… bull fucking shit. For too fucking long i have been living like life is one big time limited shit. NO its not. I have so many years and i feel like i keep waisting them. I want to do something out of the blue. I want to just not think and just be and do what the fuck i want. I don’t want to be held back because of some unwritten rules within my family and friends. Im an individual and i will stay that way.